Did You Ever Notice…
The Myrtle Beach crew (high school friends who spend a week in Myrtle Beach every October golfing – sort of) killed some retirement time recently by composing this list of Action Movie Clichés:
* Whenever the main character suddenly needs a change of clothes, they find a clothesline or break into a house. Somehow, the clothes they have randomly stolen fit perfectly, and are usually rather stylish.
* The main character drives to a courthouse, a police station, or a busy downtown nightclub. Lo and behold, they get a parking spot right in front. Not only is there an open parking spot, they don’t have to parallel park. They just pull right in.
* In an action movie, a handgun holds 40 bullets, an automatic weapon never runs out of ammo, unless a final fistfight is in the script.
* Speaking of fighting, throughout the movie the hero beats up three, four, sometimes six guys at a time. But in the end, when he is fighting the villain, who is usually a small guy, the fight lasts for ten minutes.
* When a woman is on the run and must change her identity quickly, she goes into a drugstore and buys hair dye and a pair of scissors. Next, she goes into a gas station bathroom, cuts and dyes her hair. She comes out looking like a hair model for Vidal Sassoon.
* They never pay for anything! They don’t pay for drinks at a bar. They don’t pay for dinner at a restaurant. And they never pay for a cab.
* Whenever there is a bum in a movie, the bum has beautiful teeth.
* When the detectives on the law-and-order shows interview a person of interest or a witness, the character never stops unloading boxes or answering the phone or supervising other employees. The cops have to follow them around while they’re doing their job.
* In the beginning of the film, the hero is almost always reluctantly coming out of retirement.
* If the car he pops into to make his emergency escape is not brand-new, the engine fails to start until the very last second.
* In the bedroom scenes, he and his companion always yank the bedsheets around their hips as they step off the bed and walk into the bathroom.
* The bad guy almost always has to die twice. The first bullet or stab, however deadly it seems, isn’t enough to finish him.
* The beautiful woman, whoever she is, eventually has to run for her life. And she always does so perfectly in heels.
* When the hero has to fight many opponents at the same time, they never seem to think of charging him at the same time. They stand around like karate students waiting for him to dispose of one attacker before they rush in to be disposed of.
* The injuries are unrealistic. The hero gets shot in the arm. You think he is going to bleed to death without immediate medical attention. But he fights on and triumphs.
* Ever notice that, in a car chase, as chaser and chased careen around corners and jump stairs and drive on sidewalks, no pedestrians are ever injured, let alone killed.
* Similarly, when the hero is chased to the train station, he miraculously jumps through the closing door while his pursuers scream bloody hell.
Can you think of more? Send ‘em in!
MarkFord
