More About the F-Word… 

Responding to the issue in which I agreed with a reader that the F-Word doesn’t suit us as we get older, AS wrote:

I don’t disagree that people our age shouldn’t use the word fuck, even though I do. I don’t feel good about it and will try to stop.

I was hoping – even excited – to read your examples of substitute words. I expected creativity. But “Fudge!” Come on! How disappointing!

Fair enough, AS. I did some research, and discovered that fuck can be used in almost unlimited ways. As a noun, a verb, an adjective, an adverb, and (most commonly, perhaps) as an exclamation.

As someone once said: “It’s the only fucking word you can use in any fucking situation and still make sense.”

 

Substitutes for Fuck Used as an Exclamation, an Expression of Frustration 

Focusing on fuck as an exclamation, I found dozens of possibilities. Some of them I rejected as wimpy or puerile. (Shoot! Darn! Shucks! Sugar! Fiddlesticks!)

That left plenty more – most of which, interestingly, begin with three consonants: D, B, or F.

 * D-Words: damn, dammit, damnation, drat, dashit, dagnabit, doggonit

* B-Words: bugger, bullocks, blast, blastit, bloody hell, blinking hell, botheration

* F-Words: feck, fook, frik, fricking hell, flipping hell, frig

My favorites of the above are mostly B-Words. These I will do my best to work into future conversations:

* Bullocks!

* Blinking Hell!

* Botheration!

 

Substitutes for Fuck Used as a Noun, as an Epithet of Denigration

I eliminated many words that were perhaps not quite as vulgar as fuck, but vulgar enough to be inexcusable at my age, including asshole, animal, scumbag, and shithead. I also eliminated many that were less vulgar but also less forceful, such as rogue, rascal, skunk, cad, villain, brute, beast, bastard, rat, jerk, and louse.

Again, among the worthy candidates, four initial letters predominate:

* B-Words: blackguard, bugger, butthole, blighter, bleeder, boor, buzzard, bounder

* C-Words: cur, churl, chuff, creep, cretin, crud clown

* S-Words: snake, sod, scrote, scrotum, schmuck, sleveen, spalpeen

* R-Words: reprobate, ratbag, rat fink, rotter, toe rag, rapscallion

 

My favorites of these, in order of preference:

* blighter

* bounder

* ratbag

* rapscallion

Having pontificated, I admit that there are many instances in literature and in the movies where the F-Word has been suitably put. The test is whether it feels vulgar. (It should not.) And whether one of the above-listed substitutes would do as well. (Again, it should not.)

 

Acceptable Uses of the F-Word in Literature 

A few examples:

* From Trainspotting, by Irvine Welsh (1993) – “Choose us. Choose life. Choose mortgage payments; choose washing machines; choose cars; choose sitting on a couch watching mind-numbing and spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fuckin junk food intae yir mooth. Choose rotting away, pishing and shiteing yersel in a home, a total fuckin embarrassment tae the selfish, fucked-up brats ye’ve produced. Choose life.”

* From How Late It Was, How Late, by James Kelman (1994) – “Ach it was hopeless. That was what ye felt. These bastards. What can ye do but. Except start again so he started again. That was what he did he started again… ye just plough on, ye plough on, ye just fucking plough on… ye just fucking push ahead, ye get fucking on with it.”

* From This Be the Verse, by Philip Larkin (1971) – “They fuck you up, your mum and dad. / They may not mean to, but they do. / They fill you up with the faults they had / And add some extra, just for you.”

Interestingly, the F-Word has not only survived in literature, it has become a suitable word for book titles. A quick search of Amazon top sellers resulted in 25 matches. Last year, The Wall Street Journal reported that profane titles were “flooding bookstores” and causing dilemmas for booksellers and marketers.

For example:

* Self-improvement Books – The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck (A good book. I read it.)… I Used to Be a Miserable Fuck: An Everyman’s Guide to a Meaningful Life (I intend to read it.)… F*ck Feeling; Unf*ck Your Brain

* Adult Coloring Books – Calm the F*ck Down. I’m Coloring… Go F*ck Yourself, I’m Coloring

* Cookbooks – What the F*ck Should I Make for Dinner?… 50 Ways to Eat Cock

* Children’s Books – Go the F*ck to Sleep (a 2011 best seller)

* Diet Books – The F*ck It Diet

* Etiquette Guides – Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck

* Celebrity Memoirs – Kelly Osbourne’s There Is No F*cking Secret: Letters From a Badass Bitch

This trend can partly be attributed to the rise in online sales for such titles. (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck has spent 105 weeks on the NYT bestseller list for advice and how-to books. The title is represented as The Subtle Art of Not Giving a —————.)

 

Acceptable Uses of the F-Word in Movies and TV 

In the movie and TV industry, the F-word has been a staple for decades.

Click here to read a good essay by Paul Byrnes on the history of profanity in the movies.

And from Jeremy Cassar, writing in Junkee, here are some great examples:

* Dog Day Afternoon (1975)

Sonny: Kiss me.
Det. Sgt. Eugene Moretti: What?
Sonny: Kiss me. When I’m being fucked, I like to get kissed a lot.

Watch it here.

 

* Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)

Ricky Roma: You stupid fucking cunt. You, Williamson, I’m talking to you, shithead. You just cost me $6,000. Six thousand dollars, and one Cadillac. That’s right. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it, asshole? You’re fucking shit. Where did you learn your trade, you stupid fucking cunt, you idiot? Who ever told you that you could work with men? Oh, I’m gonna have your job, shithead. 

Watch it here.

 

* Pulp Fiction (1994)

Jules: You sendin’ The Wolf?
Marsellus: You feel better, motherfucker?
Jules: Shit negro, that’s all you had to say!

Watch it here.

 

* The Usual Suspects (1995)

Fred Fenster: Hand me the keys, you cocksucker.
Cop: In English, please.
Fred Fenster: Excuse me?
Cop: In English.
Fred Fenster: Hand me the fucking keys, you cocksucker, what the fuck?

Watch it here.

Click here for a final beauty from the HBO series Deadwood (Season 2).