“Any fool can make a rule. And any fool will mind it.” – Henry David Thoreau

California’s Happy Holiday Agenda

Hospitalizations and deaths from COVID-19 in California are at their lowest levels in six months. That’s good news for residents of our most populous state. And at a good time – weeks before the holiday season begins.

Perhaps encouraged by this, Governor Gavin Newsom recently issued a revised set of rules to let Californians know how to enjoy their Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities. The rules are so bizarre, I wondered if Newsom was joking.

I asked Amaru to check it out. He did and confirmed. Here are the new rules…

1. Don’t Light That Fireplace

No more Thanksgiving and Christmas gathering around the hearth. This year, California families will be outside in their backyards, front yards, or driveways. And if a party-goer needs to take a leak, no problem. California’s Dept. of Health has that covered: Holiday party-goers can go inside to use the bathroom when they need to – so long as those bathrooms are “frequently sanitized.”

Need protection from the rain or smog or cold? No problem! Governor Newsom and his team have opened their hearts and written in a provision that lets families take shelter under canopies, awnings, and other shade structures – so long as “at least three sides of the space (or 75%) are open to the outdoors.”

2. More Than Three’s a [Prohibited] Crowd

Forget Aunt Suzie and your nogoodnik brother and his family. Thanks to Governor Newsom, this year’s holiday parties are going to be VIP family members only. Gatherings are restricted to “no more than three households.”

And if the party happens to be in a public park, don’t even think about trying to book two groups of three next to one another. As the Dept. of Health put it: “Multiple gatherings of three households cannot be jointly organized or coordinated to occur in the same public park or other outdoor space at the same time – this would constitute a gathering exceeding the permitted size.”

3. Take Names, Kick Asses

Hosts are required to “gather the names and contact information for all attendees” for the totally noble and sensible purpose of gathering contact information. This is actually a great idea because it’s so easy to forget the names and addresses of your family members.

4. Plenty of Elbow Room at the Table

How large is your dining room table?

The California health patrol reminds celebrants to set the table to allow for six feet of distancing “in all directions front-to-back and side-to-side between different households.” Sharing is forbidden. And leave those holiday plates in the cupboard. “All food and beverage items are to be in single-serve, disposable containers.”

5. Forget the Ugly Christmas Sweater, Bring Your Ugly Christmas Mask

All party attendees are reminded to wear face masks “in compliance with the California Dept. of Health’s face covering guidelines” at all times, except when drinking or chewing or swallowing meds or using inhalers.

6. Make It a Short – and Silent – Night

Good news for those that are always angling for excuses to leave the party early. The new guidelines limit gatherings to two hours or less.

As for singing: In order to “reduce respiratory droplets and fine aerosols into the air,” party-goers are advised to keep the volume to a minimum – preferably “at or below the volume of a normal speaking voice.” And if you want to play an instrument, it better not have a spit valve. Playing wind instruments is “strongly discouraged.”

P.S. Apropos of the above, I just got the following from my old friend JM:

Friends – I have been told that only 6 are allowed for Thanksgiving but 30 are allowed for a funeral. I will be holding a funeral for our pet turkey who will pass away on November 26th.

Refreshments provided.

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