There are times when I feel smart about my conversations. And there are times when I feel dumb.

I feel smart when I give someone a good idea and they gladly agree to try it.

I feel dumb when a conversation turns into an argument or ends with bad feelings.

As a longtime copywriter, I’m well aware of the “rules” of written persuasion. And when I’m writing or editing copy, it’s easy to follow them.

But when I’m talking with family and friends – or even having informal business conversations (including email exchanges) – I often ignore the rules. I end up feeling dumb. And regretful.

In some ways, writing and speaking are very different forms of communication. When you are speaking, for example, you can convey irony, sarcasm, and a host of other things with a gesture or the expression on your face. You can’t do that in writing.

But when the primary purpose of a conversation is to persuade someone to do something, many of the copywriting rules hold true.

Example: One of the lessons I teach new copywriters is to never begin by directly stating the idea you want your prospect to embrace. (This is especially true when the idea is either unfamiliar to the prospect or one he might disagree with.) Instead, you should lead off with a statement designed to grab his attention. Then say something to entice him to keep reading. Start to build your argument. Anticipate and overcome any objections he may have to what you’re telling him. And continue to build your argument until you have convinced him to take the action you want him to take. (Usually, that means buying the product you’re selling.)

Say you’re selling vitamin D supplements. You’ll turn off your prospect by starting with something he could easily disagree with. Something like: “If you want to reduce your chances of getting skin cancer, you should be taking vitamin D supplements.” A much better opening would be: “Did you know that 9,730 people die each year in the USA as a result of skin cancer?” Followed by something like: “Would it interest you to know that the single best deterrent for skin cancer is easy, available, and free?”

Then you might tell a story or list some facts that gradually convince him to start taking vitamin D supplements. And not just any supplements… the one’s you’re selling.

Well, if you want to be a persuasive conversationalist, you pretty much have to do the same thing.

I know that. But do I do it?

Hardly ever.

And that’s why conversations that I initiate with the intention of convincing someone to do something or think a certain way often turn into arguments. Or end with bad feelings. And I feel dumb.

But starting today, I think that’s going to change. Because I’m going to try to follow nine rules based on what I’ve learned about the art of persuasion from copywriting.

Here are the rules: